JOKE WINNERS! The BEST Jokes and Humor of the Year!
THE NEW LAUGH FROM THE YEARS NEW JOKES
New Jokes, Laughs and Humor... More Fun Stuff!
An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"
Jokes, Wit and Humor...
Books that should have been written: 300 Yards to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit. Illustrated by Betty Dont Submitted by: Bert Lechner on Sat Jul 12 17:09:47 MDT 1997 :
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on lke this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiiipppp! Another one! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled even worse than the last one. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Jokes for laughter and light heartedness
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?........a stick
A burglar is breaking into a home and as he comes into the living room he hears " God is watching you". Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says ," What is your name?" . The bird replies ," Moses". The burglar laughs and says " What kind of idiot names thier parrot Moses?! " And the bird replies " The same idiot who named his Rottweiler - God ."
The scene: A Marine Basic Training Camp. One morning the Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died." "Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning a s the men were lined up Black bellows out "Hup hey ho ho Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack. A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black you need to tell Private Smith his mother died--but this time us e some tact--I don't want to loose another good recruit. "Yes Sir!" Black answers. This time when the men are lined up Black yells out " OK--all you men with living mothers take one step forward----NOT SO FAST SMITH!" Submitted by: George Conroy on Mon Jan 13 12:15:04 MST 1997 :
Jokes... just a few more....
These two good ole boys decided to take a few days off from work and see some of the sights. So one morning after they crossed the state line they stopped to pick up a few supplies at a local store. One of the men told the shop keeper, "we need so me maters, taters and onions. The shop keeper said "ya'll are from West Virginia, aren't you?" and the good ole boys said "yea, how did you know?". The shop keeper said, "it is because of your dialect, you know the accent". So as the good ole boys left , one looked at the other and said, "that was pretty neat, can I try it the next time?" The other one said "sure". So the next morning as they went into a different shop, the other good ole boy said to the shop keeper, "we need some maters, taters and onions" and the shop keeper said, "you're from West Virginig aren't you?". Grinning the good ole boy said, "yep, yep and I bet you knew that because of my dialect, you know my accent". The shop keeper said, "no, this is a hardware store!!!!!!!"
What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Moses, Jesus, and this old man were playing golf, par3, with the green on the other side of a water trap. Moses goes first. Chips it up and it lands ten feet in om the green. He curses as the balls sinks to the bottom. Walking up to the water hole, he spreads his arms wide, the water parts, and he hits the ball onto the green. Moses then steps up onto the green, and the water returns downward. Jesus is next. He chips the ball up and it lands on the green, but rolls into the water. e doesn't curse, but he thinks it! He walks up to the water hole and carefully begins to walk on the water until he reaches his ball, reaches in and throws it onto the green. The old mans turn. He chips it up and it lands right in te middle of water trap. Just as the bal l begins to sink, a frog swims over and eats it. Then a fish swims over and ats the frog. t swims to the top of the hole and a hawk dives out of the sky and picks up he fish in its talons. As the hawk flies away, a lightning bolt comes out of the sky and hi ts the hawk, causing it to explode, with the ball dropping right in the hole. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot, Dad!"
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Q. What do the LAPD, and the Green Bay Packers have in common? A. Neither can catch a Bronco!
THAT ALL FOLKS!