JOKE WINNERS! The BEST Jokes and Humor of the Year!
The Years Last LAUGH! Funny stuff...
The Years Last LAUGH! Funny stuff...
| Well its been many months since we first announced our annual online joke contest! Hundreds of jokes have been submitted and we laughed so hard tears rolled down our faces! As a matter of fact it was sometimes pretty hard to get any work done around here with all the silliness of recently submitted jokes.
Anyway we've straightened up our faces and smoothed out our ties and prepared ourselves to act like the impartial judges that we are. This was of course until someone would blurt out one of the silliest damn jokes that you could ever imagine and our judging panel would roar, bellow or throw something at them, then of course all chaos would break loose again! This went on for quite sometime until I took it upon myself to make a few notations of those among the gallows and hecklers and those who would otherwise be considered judges (self respecting or not.) So without further adeu/adew/adue (whatever!) We will humbly report our findings from this meeting (did I say meeting? - more like clanging group of banchies!)
One of the first things to realize is that it is hard to determine who the rightful winners should be because even the silly youthful puns and sayings would be an easy win in their own category. Many other wonderful jokes could have just as easily been featured here but alas we had to make choices. Finally, we realize and respect the fact that there is a certain art to telling jokes in print, you know you've got to hit those computer keys just right... peck, peck, peck. So, with that said we offer up the top ten jokes of 1995 and then we break-out with a few side categories to kind of highlight the year in retrospect.
THE TOP TEN JOKE LIST
THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
THE SECOND BEST JOKE
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...
Submitted by: Dirk Haueter on Sun Dec 3 20:36:35 PST 1995
THE THIRD BEST JOKE
Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Submitted by: Sue Ferguson on Fri Dec 15 16:49:56 PST 1995
THE FOURTH BEST JOKE
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Submitted by: Josh Leonard on Thu Nov 16 16:49:06 PST 1995
THE FIFTH BEST JOKE
There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"
Submitted by: Buddy on Mon Dec 4 16:03:30 PST 1995
THE SIXTH BEST JOKE
If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
Submitted by: David Charriere on Sun Dec 3 16:28:53 PST 1995
(Is someone keeping an eye on this kid?)
THE SEVENTH BEST JOKE
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith". The third said "My name is Ken.....TuckyFriedChicken"
Submitted by: Laurence Hook
THE EIGHTH BEST JOKE
What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Submitted by: P.J. Veber on Tue Nov 28 21:54:52 PST 1995
THE NINTH BEST JOKE
President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"
Submitted by: Jenny Doman on Wed Nov 22 01:46:25 PST 1995
THE TENTH BEST JOKE
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
Submitted by: Amie Alter
Jokes, Wit and Humor
THE OLDEST JOKE:
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9
Submitted by: Richard Friedman on Sat Dec 30 19:11:48 PST 1995
The following guy submitted his joke 11 times before he could get to the punch line...
THE HARDEST WORKING JOKE:
THE GROSSEST JOKE: (That we found still respectable)
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?... His ass!
Submitted by: Kelly Britt on Sat Dec 2 18:59:25 PST 1995
(Really Kelly thats not nice... poor bug!)
MOST TOPICAL JOKE
What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial? Can I have my gloves back now? Submitted by: Keenan L. Gordon on Thu Nov 30 13:10:15 PST 1995
BEST KIDS JOKE
Q) Why were the little strawberries upset? A) Because their parents were in a jam!
Submitted by: Scott Steeles on Wed Dec 6 07:56:42 PST 1995
THE BEST CHRISTMAS JOKE
What's the name of the ninth reindeer? Olive as in "all of" the other reindeer. Submitted by: Sheldon Wawrykow on Wed Dec 27 09:12:17 PST 1995
THE DUMBEST JOKE
What did a 1 year old baby said when he received his first birthday present? "Unco, Unco" (The sound that little baby make)
Submitted by: Quincy Ma
(Really Quinc does your baby make that sound? Maybe you should get that checked...)
THE WORST AND DUMBEST JOKE
What's the difference between an orange? The horse because it doesn't have handle bars!
Submitted by: David Matos on Tue Nov 28 21:44:39 PST 1995
(Well David there are places where you can get help... but first how many fingers do I have?)
THE BEST ETHNIC JOKE
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
Submitted by: Emily Elizabeth Jones
BEST "IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU" JOKE
A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"
Submitted by: Laura Napolil
THE BEST RIDDLE
If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
Submitted by: Mike Morris on Fri Nov 10 18:30:11 PST 1995
(I'm sure the president is close to getting this one figured out!)
THE BEST HEADLINE JOKE
Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail? Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".
Submitted by: WILLIAM BISHOP
THE SICKEST JOKE
THE TOP THREE MOST PSYCHO PICK-UP LIES: 3) WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF WOOD; 2) I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I HAVE NO NOSTRILS; 3) BABY, YOU STOLE MY HEART....THAT'S OK, I HAVE TWO IN THE FRIDGE AT HOME
Submitted by: CHAZ LANDRY
(Chaz, I really hope you live far far away...)
THE BEST COMPUTER JOKE
How many Windows support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Well, we have an exact copy of your bulb here, and it works fine. Did you check your CONFIG.SYS?
Submitted by: (BILL GATES? Just kidding...) NO NAME GIVEN on Mon Nov 27 10:26:43 PST 1995
THAT ALL FOLKS!
PS: Notice there are NO winners for ANY of those chickens that crossed the road... poor dumb birds!