|THE SECOND BEST JOKE
The unibomber has a new 900 number to tell his side of the story. It's 1-900-7-6-5-4-3-2-1.
Submitted by: Helga Kendrick on Tue May 7 12:05:42 PDT 1996 :
THE THIRD BEST JOKE
The Pope flew into an airport for a meeting within a few minutes. His limo driver takes off and the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting. The Pope asks the driver to switch places and the Pope will drive. They take off again and the limo is stopped by a cop. The cop takes one look at the situation and radios to headquarters. He tells the chief he's got a pretty important person on his hands. The chief asks "Is he more important than the mayor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks " Is he more important than the governor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "Is he more important than the President?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "How important can he be" Cop says "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver.
Submitted by: Anonymous on Sun Mar 31 17:21:08 PST 1996 :
THE FOURTH BEST JOKE
What happens when you play a country song backards? You get your dog back, your truck back and your girlfriend back!!!
Submitted by: Sarah Grove on Fri Jan 26 16:55:37 PST 1996 :
THE FIFTH BEST JOKE
What's the difference between Roast beef and Pea soup? Most people can roast beef.
Submitted by: Jonathan Wood on Thu Jan 18 13:59:01 PST 1996 :
THE SIXTH BEST JOKE
(read it with Italian accent) I am an Italiano. One day ima gonna L.A. to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to t he toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings m e a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!
Submitted by: Tari Fabian on Mon Mar 11 15:40:38 PST 1996 :
THE SEVENTH BEST JOKE
Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer who studied all year for the bra exam?
Submitted by: on Tue Feb 20 19:02:06 PST 1996 :
THE EIGHTH BEST JOKE
What's the difference between a lawyer and a flounder? One's a bottom dwelling scum sucker...the other's a fish! + You're in a cage with a real mean bear , a lawyer and a gun with only 2 bullets. What do you do? You shoot the lawyer twice, the bear's the least of your problems. How can you tell the differnce between a lawyer and a skunk lying in the middle of the road? The skunk is the one with the skid marks in front of it!
Submitted by: Doug Logan on Thu Jan 25 14:28:59 PST 1996 :
THE NINTH BEST JOKE
There was this guy who was taking care of his friends house while he was on vacation. His friend called and asked how things were going. He responded by saying that his dog died. "Thats horrible. Why didn't you say that my dog was on the roof so when I call back, you tell me he's dead and it isn't so bad." His friend said," Anything else?" "Well, your mother is on the roof"
Submitted by: Mike on Wed Mar 6 18:29:08 PST 1996 :
THE TENTH BEST JOKE
These two cannibals were eating a clown when one of them looks at the other and asks "does this taste kinda funny to you?"
Submitted by: anonymous on Thu Feb 1 13:37:36 PST 1996 :
Jokes, Wit and Humor
THE BEST ANIMAL JOKE
Two guys are hunting in the forest and they run across a bear. They both take off running, after a while one guy stops and takes off his backpack and takes out a pair of running shoes. The other guy sees this and is wondering what is going on, so he stops, runs back to the guy and asks "Why are you putting on your running shoes, do you really think you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?" the other guy said "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run YOU!" What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? ELEPHINO!(hell if I know)
Submitted by: Shawn Keith on Sat Jun 22 04:22:01 MDT 1996 :
THE BEST LAWYER JOKE:
How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? * His lips are moving.
Submitted by: Angela Williamson on Wed Jan 17 09:08:56 PST 1996 :
THE BEST POLITICAL JOKE:
Bill & Hillary Clinton and Al Gore all die in a plane crash. Upon reaching the gates of Heaven, they're met by God. God looks down from his throne at Al Gore and asks, "Who are you?" Al Gore replies, "I'm Al Gore, I was Vice President of the Unite d States." God thinks for a second and says, "Very commendable. You may take the chair to my immediate left" Looking at Bill Clinton, God asks who HE is. "I was Bill Clinton, PRESIDENT of the United States." "Very good," says God. "You may take the chair to my right." Looking at Hillary, he asks, "And who are YOU?" "I'm Hillary Clinton, and YOU'RE in MY chair!!" Submitted by: Tim Fitzpatrick on Tue Apr 9 21:37:21 PDT 1996
THE BEST NATURE JOKE:
2 worms crawling through the grass. Male worm says to female worm " how about you and I going back to your place? Female worm says " ok" they get back to her place and the male worm notices that she has on a wedding ring. Male worm says " I'm sorry honey but I don't do this sort of thing with married worms. fermale worm says " don't worry, my husband is not coming home. Male worm says " how do you know that for sure? Female worm says " he got up early this mornin g and went fishing! Man getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday. All his freinds get together and send him a woman. She knocks at his door and he answers it to find every mans dream girl. She says to him - I'm here to give you supersex. He says to the young lady - thanks for coming over young lady but I think it will have to be the soup!
Submitted by: Glenn N. Wallin Sr. on Thu Jan 25 20:06:16 PST 1996 :
THE MOST CREATIVE JOKES
For People who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Submitted by: Heather Edelin on Thu Jan 25 22:29:03 PST 1996 :
In a school the teacher asks Johnny - "If there are 3 birds sitting on a wire and if u shoot the middle one then how many birds remain ?" Johnny takes a moment and says "None !" "How ?" the teacher asks. "Well if u shoot one of them then the rest of them will fly away !" replied Johnny.
Submitted by: Dheeraj Sachdeva on Tue Feb 13 03:34:59 PST 1996 :
If nothing sticks to Teflon how does Teflon stick to a pan?
Submitted by: Jesse Veldhuis on Mon Jun 10 15:08:22 MDT 1996 :
THE BEST BLONDE JOKES
WHAT GOES VROOM-SCREECH-VROOM-SCREECH-VROOM-SCREECH? A BLOND AT A FLASHING RED LIGHT.
Submitted by: TOR BLACK on Sun Jan 28 22:00:00 PST 1996 :
WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR SIX FOOT BLONDS LYING IN A ROW? AN AIR MATTRESS!
Submitted by: TOR BLACK on Sun Jan 28 22:00:00 PST 1996 :
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? She threw away all the W's. A group of blondes were on the way to Disney Land, then they got to a sign that said Disney Land left, so they turned aroud and went home. What is the difference between a brunette and a garbage can? The garbage can gets taken out once a week.
Submitted by: Hannah Klueg on Sat Feb 10 16:57:38 PST 1996 :
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can understand them.
Submitted by: Linda Neidhammer on Mon Feb 12 15:35:29 PST 1996 :
THE BEST FAMILY JOKE
An old couple were watching television one evening. The wife said "I am going to get a dish of icecream". The husband said "I will get you some ice cream". "I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said. "I won't forget" he said. "But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I'll write it down" she said. "I will get you the ice cream don't you worry" he said. A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs and she said "I should have written it down because you forgot the toast"
Submitted by: Mike Oliver on Fri Apr 5 19:26:10 PST 1996 :
THE BEST BAR JOKE
3 guys walk into a bar. The 4th one ducks. A string walks into a bar and the waiter says to him,"We don't serve your kind here." So the string goes across the street and tells a friend to tie him in a knot and fray his edges. So the guy does it and the string says thank you. Then the strin g goes back across the street and goes into the bar and orders a beer. Again the guy says we don't serve your kind, but the string says,"I'm afraid not."(I'm a frayed not.)
Submitted by: Blair Humphreys on Thu May 9 15:41:03 PDT 1996 :
THE BEST HUSBAND and WIFE JOKE
What's the definition of mixed emotions?? Watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your new Mercedes! Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS": * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring and * The Endu-Ring!! Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters!
Submitted by: Elmer Mun on Wed Mar 13 12:21:22 PST 1996 :
THE BEST CHURCH JOKE
Adam and God were walking in the garden one day. Adam asked God, "why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God said, "Adam, so that you would love Eve." Adam, "But, why did you make her so stupid?" God, "So that she would love you."
Submitted by: Anonymous on Thu Mar 7 15:21:13 PST 1996:
THE BEST DOCTOR JOKE
Doctor Wong's Diagnosis: A little Chinese boy was having problems attracting the attention of the opposite sex, so his mother decided to seek professional advice. She went to doctor Wong and asked to have him examined. --- Doctor Wong told the little boy to undress and stand in the middle of the room under a bright light. Doctor Wong stood behind him and told him to bend forward and place his head between his legs. --- AH! exclaimed doctor Wong. I see the plobrem..the little ferrow has Zachary's dise ase. --- Zachary's disease? enquired the little boy's mother. --- Yes! Zachary's disease, said Dr Wong......his face looks exzachary like his bum.
Submitted by: Bob Finlay on Wed Mar 27 16:16:55 PST 1996 :
THE BEST RIDDLE
Q.)An eye in a blue face saw an eye in a green face. "That face is like to this face, but in low place not high place." What are the eyes? A.) The sun and a flower. Q.) Never dead, never living, never taking, ever giving; With us 'till the day we die, leaving with our final sigh; All feeling, yet it doesn't cry. What is it? A.) The soul. Q.) My hunger is fed by that which I touch, But quench that "desire" and I'm ended as such. My life casting shadows on that which I feed, It is dictated by thus and ended by greed. What am I? A.) Fire.
Submitted by: Leesa McNeese on Sat Jun 15 23:14:08 MDT 1996 :
THAT ALL FOLKS!