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Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?

A. EUROPEAN... of course!

				Amie Alter 

A. 12 .... (Jan 2, Feb 2, Mar 2 .... etc.)

				Amie Alter 

A. Men .... get in the boat...

				Amie Alter 

				Karen Counts 

				WILLIAM BISHOP 

				WILLIAM BISHOP 

				WILLIAM BISHOP 

				WILLIAM BISHOP 

				WILLIAM BISHOP 

				WILLIAM BISHOP 

				WILLIAM BISHOP 

				WILLIAM BISHOP 

				WILLIAM BISHOP 

				Pentti Karikko 

				Pentti Karikko 

				ralph castro 

				ralph castro 

				Deborah J. Holland 

				Deborah J. Holland 

				Deborah J. Holland 

				 Luke Delwiche 

				Dobe Fugin Doinat 

				Dobe Fugin Doinat 

				Dobe Fugin Doinat 

				CHAZ LANDRY 

				Phil Malouf 

				Phil Malouf 

				dave Creen 

				Carole Wheeler 

				Carole Wheeler 

				Carole Wheeler 

				Leslie Nash 

				Robert Williamson 

				Robert Williamson 

				Robert Williamson 

				Robert Williamson 

				Robert Williamson 

				Robert Williamson 

				Quincy Ma 

				Quincy Ma 

				John Buckert 

				Kai Chi 

				Ken Kessler 

				Ken Kessler 

				Ken Kessler 

				Ron Hametner 

				jeremy gross 

				K. Suwansathien 

				Bob Woodfield 

				Bob Woodfield 

				Laurence Hook 

				Laurence Hook 

				Rob Knopper 

				Rob Knopper 

				mike s 

				mike s 

				Chris Roy 

				Emily Elizabeth Jones 

				Thomas Halverson 

				Thomas Halverson 

				Thomas Halverson 

				dweaver 

				dweaver 

				dweaver 

				Brett Kantack 

				Brian Padalino 

				Brian Padalino 

				Alfred D. McMickle 

				Edward Seok 

				Edward Seok 

				Edward Seok 

				Paul Sinclair 

				Paul Sinclair 

				Paul Sinclair  

				eric june 

				eric june 

				eric june 

				Chris McIlree 

				Chris McIlree 

				Chris McIlree 

				Lisa Weames 

				geoffrey barton 

				geoffrey barton 

				geoffrey barton 

				geoffrey barton 

				david matthew wirth 

				david matthew wirth 

				david matthew wirth 

				David Richardson 

				David Richardson 

				David Richardson 

				Laura Napolil 

				Laura Napolil 

				Laura Napolil 

				torin williams 

				James R. Turner 

				James A. Hall 

A man comes home and finds his wife with a lover which looks like Shwarcaneger. The lover takes the husband, goes to the kitchen, draws the circle on the floor and says:"I come back to your wife to make love and if you come out from the circle, you are dead." 20 minuts later the lover hears the husband's voice: "Aga, while you there are making love, I already three times came out from the circle! " \nFrom: Brandon M. Nokes on Mon Nov 6 09:45:41 PST 1995:

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor \nFrom: on Wed Nov 8 06:32:16 PST 1995 :

Did you hear that the American Trial Lawyers Association has decided to relocate its national headquarters? They're moving to Sioux City (Sue City) \nFrom: W. J. Cassady on Wed Nov 8 06:33:20 PST 1995:

Did you hear that the American Trial Lawyers Association has decided to relocate its national headquarters? They're moving to Sioux City (Sue City) \nFrom: RICCO WILLIAMS on Wed Nov 8 13:51:24 PST 1995:

I STILL WONDER HOW MICHEAL JORDAN CAN JUMPER HIGH ? I JUST FOUND OUT THAT HE USED AIR PRESSURE MATERALS IN HIS CALF. \nFrom: mike jones on Wed Nov 8 19:59:57 PST 1995 :

your daddy is so small he held his breath and blew up \nFrom: L.E. Van Lear on Thu Nov 9 07:37:45 PST 1995 :

Bill was walking to the 7-11 to get a Slurpy. He passed by a tennis court, and found a brand new tennis ball laying in the grass by the side walk. He picked up the ball and could not find anyone at the tennis court to return the new ball to, so he stuck the ball in his pocket and continued to walk to the 7-11. He finally made it to the store, walked back to the Slurpy machine, pumped out a cup full of Slurpy and took it to the counter to pay for it. The clerk behind the counter asked what was wrong with Bill, pointing to his pants. He answered "tennis ball". The clerk replied "Boy, that must really hurt, I had tennis elbow once and it about killed me!" \nFrom: Douglas Manness on Thu Nov 9 17:29:26 PST 1995 :

When a doctor X-rays the lungs of a dog, what do you think he finds? The seat of his trousers!! \nFrom: Jerry Dewitt on Thu Nov 9 23:13:18 PST 1995 :

Flash! Simpson web site at //\escape! \nFrom: George Ljultasi on Fri Nov 10 07:43:38 PST 1995 :

God said to Adam "How would you like a mate who is kind, loyal, understanding and respectful?" Adam replies "OK. But what is it going to cost me?" God said "Only an arm and a leg." Adam then said "That sounds a bit steep. What do I get for a rib?" \nFrom: George Ljultasi on Fri Nov 10 07:54:54 PST 1995 :

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his sholder. The barman says "What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?" "Africa." replied the parrot. \nFrom: Josef Iaci on Fri Nov 10 12:59:44 PST 1995 :

A man walked into a bar.......ouch! \nFrom: Susan M. Deneke on Fri Nov 10 13:14:38 PST 1995 :

Overheard in an airport from a young man trying to impress a girl: You know that sushi stuff? I tried some last night. Took it home & cooked it right up. Wasn't bad, tasted just like fish! \nFrom: Mike Morris on Fri Nov 10 18:30:11 PST 1995 :

There's one function key missing on every computer I've ever seen: RUM. Read User's Mind. \nFrom: on Fri Nov 10 19:50:43 PST 1995 :

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. \nFrom: Kristin And Lauren on Sat Nov 11 10:38:10 PST 1995 :

why did the chiken cross the road? to show the possum it was possible \nFrom: Alan Osterholtz on Sat Nov 11 23:03:07 PST 1995 :

I tell you I had a joke in mind and then I lost it. (my mind that is) \nFrom: on Mon Nov 13 09:30:16 PST 1995 :

A guy in a restaurant yells to the waiter, "Hey, there's a fly in my soup." The waiter replies, "It's possible. The cook used to be a tailor." \nFrom: Darren Olson on Mon Nov 13 14:09:40 PST 1995 :

What do you call a blond with half a brian? /gifted \nFrom: Richard Littlefield on Mon Nov 13 14:28:39 PST 1995 :

Once upon a time there were three donut men that came to America from a foreign land. They each knew only one line of English: The first was "50 cents." The second was "Fresh, very fresh." The third was "That's okay, I don't care." Well one day a man came in the store. "How much are your donuts?" he asked. "50 cents," replied the donutman. "Are they fresh?" "Fresh, very fresh," replied the second. "I don't think I'll have one today," said the man. "That's okay, I don't care," replied the third. That evening, the donut store was robbed. The police met with the donutmen the next day to ask a few questions. "How much was stolen?" All the donutman could say was "50 cents." "Are you trying to get fresh with me?" said the cop. "Fresh, very fresh, said the second. "How would you like to go to jail?" came the question. And of course you know the answer, "THAT'S OKAY, I DON'T CARE! \nFrom: pam wipperfurth on Tue Nov 14 07:43:46 PST 1995 :

What did the banana tree say to the coconut tree when he heard a hurricane was coming. You better hang on to your nuts because your about to get a hell of a blow job! \nFrom: Andy Wing on Tue Nov 14 10:27:25 PST 1995 :

Where is Saddam Hussein going to end up? On scud row! \nFrom: Aaron Burliegh Corrion on Wed Nov 15 14:10:27 PST 1995 :

A man walks into a bar and says to a second man "was that you're dog outside?" the second man says "Yeah, why?" The first man answers "Well, my dog just killed you're dog!" The second man sayed "Oh no! How could you let such a vicous dog out on the streets? What kind of dog do you have?" To this, the first man replied "I have a chihuahua!" The second man asked "Well, how did you're chihuahua kill my rottwieler?!?" The first man answered You're dog tried to eat my dog and choked!" \nFrom: gilbert rodriguez on Wed Nov 15 14:56:01 PST 1995 :

Q. what did the toilet say to Mike Tyson? A. you may be champion of the world but here you'll sit. \nFrom: Kristina Valis on Wed Nov 15 19:27:17 PST 1995 :

What do you do when St. Nick gets stuck in your chimney? Use "Santa Flush" \nFrom: on Wed Nov 15 19:37:30 PST 1995 :

How many pigeons can you fit under a Scottsman's kilt? A: It depends on how long the "perch"is. \nFrom: Don Govender on Thu Nov 16 05:29:07 PST 1995 :

Why did the man, trying to kill himself, tie a rope around his waist? Ans: Because it got too tight around his neck. \nFrom: Josh Leonard on Thu Nov 16 16:49:06 PST 1995 :

Why did the chicken cross the road? WHO CARES??!! \nFrom: on Thu Nov 16 18:00:22 PST 1995 :

This guy goes in a clock shop & pulls his WILLY out & puts it on the counter. The clerk say O my what are doing. The man says this is a clock shop isn't it ? Can you put a couple of hands & a face on this ? \nFrom: Don Govender on Fri Nov 17 07:02:03 PST 1995 :

How far can a person walk into a forest? Ans: Only halfway, because after that he would then be walking out of the forest. \nFrom: Leo Simpson on Fri Nov 17 16:54:37 PST 1995 :

A man went to a pet store to buy a parrot. The storekeeper said "I'd like to help you, but my last healthy parrot was just sold." The man said "healthy?" The pet store owner said yes, I have one parrot but he has no legs." The man asked the parrot "How do you sit on your perch with no legs?" After the explanation that he held with his other digit the man went ahead and bought the parrot since he was so eloquent. After a week or so went by, he told the parrot to watch his wife while he was gone for the weekend on a trip. The parrot agreed. When he returned, the parrot said "Man, your shadow had no longer darkened the doorstep when the neighbor ran in here and ripped off his clothes. He then took off your lady's clothes and threw her on the bed. Then he turned on the lights and held her legs in his hands ..." Theman said, "Yes, then what happened?" He said "I don't know, I got a ---- -- and fell off my perch!" \nFrom: elaine shah on Sat Nov 18 11:44:07 PST 1995 :

a heart surgeon, brain surgeon and a medical administrator for a HMO are in a riding in a car. the car is involved4 in an accident and they die so they are at the pearly gates of St. Peter. he firsts asks the heart surgeon, "Why should I admit you to heaven?" replies the surgeon, "well, I have preformed many operations that have save so many lives. st peter says ok, you can come. next, he asks the same question to the brain surgeon who also replies with the same answer. st peter also admits the brain surgeon. he then poses the same question to the HMO administrator4 who answers with" i should be allowed because i have saved money by keeping costs down and hospital stays to a minimum. "ok", replies st.peter, "i will allow you to enter heaven, but for only two days!" \nFrom: SONNY LANGSTAFF on Sat Nov 18 11:57:13 PST 1995 :

WHAT HAS FOUR WHEELS AND FLYS? A TRASH DUMPSTER! \nFrom: on Sat Nov 18 16:46:34 PST 1995 :

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead! \nFrom: on Mon Nov 20 09:01:44 PST 1995 :

A guy with no arms goes to a church looking for work. The parson says,"I need someone to ring this bell. Can you do it?" The man says,"Watch this!", and he runs at the bell and strikes it with his face. B O N G !!! "Okay, you're hired!" says the parson. The next day, a visiting minister is walking up the stairs to the church just as a man with no arms comes flying out the belfry and on to the concrete below. The visiting minister turns to the parson and says,"Who is this man?" The parson replies, "I'm not sure but his face rings a bell!" \nFrom: william feickert on Tue Nov 21 08:19:13 PST 1995 :

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! \nFrom: wayne sider on Tue Nov 21 17:53:13 PST 1995 :

a horse walks into a bar. the bartender says, "why such a long face?" getit? \nFrom: Jenny Doman on Wed Nov 22 01:46:25 PST 1995 :

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!" \nFrom: Laura Cappe on Wed Nov 22 05:22:16 PST 1995 :

knock, knock. who's there. amanda. amanda who. amanda fix your t.v. set! \nFrom: Laura Cappe on Wed Nov 22 17:34:58 PST 1995 :

A man walks into a bar and he sees a guy, sitting at a table with a bird cage and the first man says, "Where did you get that thing? He'll make you rich!" and the second man said, "There's a magic lamp in the bathroom, and I rubbed it and made a wish." The first man says, "Wow!" and he runs into the bathroom. He sees the lamp, rubs it and wishes for a billion bucks. The genii grants his wish and a billion ducks fly over head and they all poop on his head. The first man runs out of the bathroom and asks the second man, "Is the genii deaf, or something?!?" and the second man said, "Of course he is! You think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?????" \nFrom: Jermaine Rowe on Fri Nov 24 19:55:10 PST 1995 :

Two legs sat on three legs and was holding one leg when four legs took one leg and two legs threw three legs at four legs, and four legs brought back one leg to two legs.(What was one leg, two legs, three legs, and four legs?) \nFrom: Sunni Hackney on Sat Nov 25 15:52:38 PST 1995 :

Whoops...I can't think of anymore. \nFrom: Stephen Gordon on Sun Nov 26 08:08:53 PST 1995 :

A doctor approached his attorney friend and said, "Sam, I've got this problem. If I'm at a party or a church or whatever, people always are telling me about their sore backs or their kid's runny nose. I don't mind giving medical advise, it is my job afterall, but I feel like I'm getting cheated out of my fees. I'm giving them the same advise I would give them in my office. Would it be legal or ethical for me to bill them for this?" "Absolutely," replied the attorney, "That'll be $200." \nFrom: Kim Anthoni Røgeberg on Mon Nov 27 02:13:21 PST 1995 :

Have you heard the one about the two nuns in the supermarket? The first nun wanted to buy only one banana, but then the other nun said: let´s buy two, and eat one of them!! \nFrom: on Mon Nov 27 10:26:43 PST 1995 :

Computer: the only productivity tool that costs as much time and money as it saves. \nFrom: Mike Scullin on Mon Nov 27 10:38:16 PST 1995 :

If you divorce your wife in Georgia, is she still your cousin? \nFrom: the eville one on Tue Nov 28 04:50:27 PST 1995 :

even though sigmund freud was terribly addicted to cocaine he actually died when one day after taking a bath and getting out of the tub he slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly...might this be another freudian slip....? \nFrom: on Tue Nov 28 07:40:35 PST 1995 :

me and your mom go way back 9 months befor you were born!!! \nFrom: Keith Phillips on Tue Nov 28 21:09:13 PST 1995 :

Why do all Texans have 2" balls? So they can tow each others trailers. \nFrom: David Matos on Tue Nov 28 21:44:39 PST 1995 :

What's the difference between an orange? The horse because it doesn't have handle bars! \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Tue Nov 28 21:54:52 PST 1995 :

So, I was on this airplane with Rene Descartes and the stewardess kept coming by, offering us drinks. We drank a lot and were getting pretty sloshed. Finally, the stewardess asked, "Would you like another drink, Mr. Descartes?" To which he replied, "I don't think so..." and disappeared completely. \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Tue Nov 28 22:41:44 PST 1995 :

There was this 78 year old lady in Florida who wanted to work for one of those topless restaurants. Of course, none of them would hire her, so she sued. She won and they had to hire her. But the manager fired her on her first day on the job. Yeah. Seems she came to work in a wrinkled uniform... \nFrom: on Wed Nov 29 04:51:49 PST 1995 :

What's the loudest sound you'll hear in the forerst? A giraffe eating a cherry tree. \nFrom: on Wed Nov 29 04:54:40 PST 1995 :

What's the loudest sound you'll hear in the forerst? A giraffe eating a cherry tree. \nFrom: Daniel A. Gillis on Wed Nov 29 07:28:33 PST 1995 :

Two old fellows with Alzheimers disease are sitting in a room. The first fellow gets up, heads for the door, then stops. Scratching his head he states he forgot where he was going and returns to his seat. A few moments later the other gent gets up and is heading for the door. The other gent asks "Where are you going?" The first gent replies "I going out for an ice-cream". The second gent asks "Will you get me one as well?" The first gent replies in the affirmative. The second gent then states "How about an ice-cream on a sugar cone? You won't forget will you?" The first gent says "No, you want an ice-cream on a sugar cone." The gent then goes out the door. After about 20 minutes the door opens, the first gent walks in and hand the second gent a bag stating "here's your hamburger." The second gent replies "Forget the burger, where's my fries?" \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Wed Nov 29 08:40:35 PST 1995 :

No, the upside is that you're always telling new jokes. \nFrom: Megan Tolbert on Wed Nov 29 11:40:33 PST 1995 :

This man is walking along a country road, when he sees this car coming down the road. The car runs over a rabbit in the road. The driver stops the car, gets out, and looks at the rabbit. The man who was walking along the road says "You're not just going to leave that there, are you?" The driver goes to the trunk of his car and pulls out an aerosol can and sprays its contents on the dead rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet down the road, turns around, and waves. It hops another ten feet down the road, turns around and waves. It does this until it disappears from sight. The driver of the car tosses the aerosol can to the side of the road, gets in his car, and drives away. The man who had been walking down the side of the road was astounded. He ran to the side of the road and picked up the can and read the label, which said : "For hare restoration, and permanent wave." \nFrom: Robert Sprague on Wed Nov 29 12:47:15 PST 1995 :

What Did The Man Say When He Walked Into The Bar........Ouch \nFrom: Ryan Shackelford on Wed Nov 29 12:51:12 PST 1995 :

What is grey and comes in quarts? An elephant. \nFrom: GREG COLLINS on Wed Nov 29 13:25:48 PST 1995 :

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A JACK-ASS AND AN ONION? SOME ASS THAT WILL BRING TEARS TO YOUR EYES. \nFrom: Greg on Wed Nov 29 13:54:15 PST 1995 :

Once, this farmer had two sals (female pigs) that he wanted to mate. The farmer knew of this big male pig named Ol' Jake. So he called Ol' Jake's owner up and everything was arranged. The next day the two sals went into Ol' Jake's pen, and something wild went on. The farmer then asked how he would know if it took. Jake's owner told him that if the sals were in the mud, it didn't take, if they end up inthe sun, then it took. Well, the farmer went home and sure enough the salls went straight to the mud. The next day the farmer took them back to Ol' Jake. This time the dogs were barking, the chickens were a cluckin', it was just wild!! When the farmer got home, he couldn't bare to look to see where the sals went to, so he asked his wife, Bertha, after he and his Bertha were in the house, where the sals went, in the mud or in the sun? she said,"Neither. They're in the cab of the truck honkin' the horn!!!!". \nFrom: Anne Norman on Wed Nov 29 18:12:24 PST 1995 :

How many months have 28 days in them? 12 they all have 28 days. \nFrom: Jarin Udom on Wed Nov 29 19:59:10 PST 1995 :

What's your mama plus a tent? Circus!! \nFrom: Noah Steffan on Wed Nov 29 21:57:45 PST 1995 :

I had a little chicken, and he wouldn't lay an egg. So I poured hot water up and down his leg. The little chicken hollered, and the little chicken begged, and the gosh darn thing layed a hard boiled egg. => \nFrom: Sarah Threlkeld on Wed Nov 29 22:37:25 PST 1995 :

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead! \nFrom: J Byron Smith on Thu Nov 30 04:09:19 PST 1995 :

Why dont blondes make Kool-Aid? Because they cant figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in the package! \nFrom: Linette McCall on Thu Nov 30 06:07:35 PST 1995 :

Who is in the oblette? I forgot! (an oblette is a place you put people to forget them if you didn't get the joke) \nFrom: on Thu Nov 30 07:22:21 PST 1995 :

You know, I'll just bet Linette's a blonde... \nFrom: Cheryl Gilbert on Thu Nov 30 08:19:28 PST 1995 :

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. \nFrom: Arthur Moore on Thu Nov 30 08:27:09 PST 1995 :

How many women does it take to change a light bulb ? None, let the bitch wash the dishes in the dark !!! \nFrom: Lynda Brooks on Thu Nov 30 08:34:15 PST 1995 :

What has antlers and likes cheese? Mickey Moose \nFrom: Keenan L. Gordon on Thu Nov 30 13:10:15 PST 1995 :

What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial. Can I get my gloves back. \nFrom: nick congleton on Thu Nov 30 14:47:04 PST 1995 :

This guys mother called and asked if she could get a picture of him.He's thinking he only has this one naked picture of him so he can cut the head of the picture off and send it to her.So he said to his mother,"ok"so he sent it to her. She called back in about 3 days later and said,"I like your picture but what happend to your body." He said'"I'd rather not talk about it." She said,"ok". His grandma called the next day and wanted a picture to. He's thinking grandma is so senile she will never now. So he said,"ok grandma". She called back a week later and said,"I like your picture but all the hair on your face makes your nose look big". \nFrom: a bad dog on Thu Nov 30 15:02:45 PST 1995 :

What do you call skydiving lawyers? Skeet. \nFrom: Veronique George on Thu Nov 30 15:21:51 PST 1995 :

Yo mama so ugly she got to sneak up on a glass of water to get a sip. \nFrom: Jennifer L. Goeman on Thu Nov 30 19:30:53 PST 1995 :

I always wondered...do microfiche swim in microtanks? \nFrom: Vivian Lee Harry on Thu Nov 30 21:52:20 PST 1995 :

Al Cowlings claims that he's not going to write a book, ...but as soon as he finishes that Hooked on Phonics Course!! ....Look Out! \nFrom: Nello DeBlasio on Thu Nov 30 23:40:09 PST 1995 :

Lately I''ve been suffering from poetic anemia... I'm not getting enough Irony. \nFrom: eric kropf on Fri Dec 1 06:39:40 PST 1995 :

Why don't you throw rocks at mexicans riding bikes? It might be your bike!!! \nFrom: Ed Sharron on Fri Dec 1 07:58:33 PST 1995 :

So these two brother go up their log cabin way out in the boonies to do some hunting. As they are walking through the woods, one of the brothers steps on a snake and the snakes reaches up and bites him directly in the crotch! Immediately he begins to get woozy. His brother quickly picks him up and carries him the ten miles back to the log cabin. Since the are miles from any hospital, he calls a doctor to see if he can do anything for his sickly brother. The doctor asks him what kind of snake it was. He says:"I don't know. It was about three feet long and was striped yellow and black." The doctor says: "Oh, that's a very poisonous snake. You'll have to suck the posion out or your brother will be dead in half an hour." So he goes to the room where he left his brother and his brother asks, barely conscious :"What did the doctor say?" And his brother says:"You'll be dead in half an hour." \nFrom: Trish Higginbotham on Fri Dec 1 11:21:04 PST 1995 :

There was an aggie and his house was on fire, so he called the firestation and told them, "Hey" My house is on fire and the fireman said "How do you get there?" and the aggie said "Don't yall still drive those big red trucks? \nFrom: Jerry Schiavo on Fri Dec 1 12:07:45 PST 1995 :

There once was a man, and he grew the biggest tomatoes. His neighbor, Mary, asked him one day how they got so big. HE said, "THis is what I do. Every night, I take a shower. After I'm done I put on a robe and go outside. I then take off my robe in front of the plants, and watch the stars for about an hour." Well, Mary wanted big tomatoes, so she figured what would it hurt. That night she took a shower, put on a robe, and went outside for an hour. The next morning, her neighbor stopped by and asked how the tomatoes were. Mary exclaimed, "My tomatoes didn't get any bigger, but you should see the size of the cucumbers!" \nFrom: Sara Lake on Fri Dec 1 14:51:58 PST 1995 :

A naked man is lying dead in a field. He has no marks or bruises on him and their are no foot prints near the body. How did he get there? \nFrom: paul on Fri Dec 1 16:45:00 PST 1995 :

`why did the computer cross the road. to get to the new computer store to gt a new hard drive, get it? Hard drive, I said HAARD drive. \nFrom: alexander moskalyuk on Fri Dec 1 16:55:15 PST 1995 :

Love is a theorem that you have to prove evry day. \nFrom: E Koeppe on Fri Dec 1 19:14:04 PST 1995 :

(re:Babylon 5) Sure is amazing the Centauri won the war...They can't hit the broad side of a Narn! \nFrom: lori snyder on Sat Dec 2 07:55:04 PST 1995 :

Didja hear about O.J's new Web Site? The address is: //2 (backslash,backslash, delete two, escape) \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Sat Dec 2 08:47:06 PST 1995 :

Ever have dragon milk? It comes from a cow with short legs.

Know what happens when I short-legged cow tries to jump a fence? It's an udder disaster.

Short-leggedy cows? Udder disasters? Have you ever HERD such nonsense? It nearly moooves a body to tears! \nFrom: Josh Cartwright on Sat Dec 2 11:22:02 PST 1995 :

Why is a fire engine red? Cause if someone pulled your hose out in public you'd be red too.

A few years ago Harvard did a study to see why a man had a head on the end of his penis. They spent 5 thousand dollars and 5years and concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Well Princeton saw all of this, and being Princeton had to prove Harvard wrong. So they spent another 5 thousand dollars and 5 years and cocluded it was to give the man more pleasure during sex. Well this whole time West Virginia U was looking at this and said "these guys are all wrong..." So they spent five bucks and a half an hour and concluded that it was to keep your hand from slipping off the end.

Four guys walk into a bar, the fifth one ducked! yuk yuk ha ha! \nFrom: Allen Bryant on Sat Dec 2 16:56:52 PST 1995 :

One of santa's elves goes to the doctor with itchy balls, the doctors says "bend over, drop you pants and I'll have a look at the problem". The elve does this and while he's bent over the doctor say's "I think I see the problem" the elf see in the mirror the doctor picking up a large pair of cutters and starts to get worried, he is tense as he waits for the cutters but instead he hears snip, snip, snip but feels nothing... after a few minutes the doctor says "all done." the elf, feeling not pain or itching stands up, pulls up is pants and say what was the problem, the doctor says "well I just cut 3 inches off your furry boots."

A woman goes to the doctor feeling weak and sickly, the doctors put her on HRT Hormone Replacement Therapy, small doeses of testosterone, after three weeks the woman returns and the doctor asks how the treatment is working, the woman explains that there are side effects, hair on her chest, the doctor is amazed and asks to see the hair, the woman unbuttons her shirt and sure enough there is hair on her chest. The doctor says "how far down does this hair grow" the woman replies "All the way to my balls which is another question I had for you" \nFrom: J. L. Wright on Sat Dec 2 17:09:18 PST 1995 :

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the SHELL station

A bounty hunter came into a bar in Mexico to look for a man who had been robbing banks in Texas. He put a gun up to the man's head and said "Where's the money?" Another man came up and said "Him don't know English. I will interpret for you." The bounty hunter said "Ok, tell him that I will blow his head off if he doesn't tell me where the money is." So the man talked to the other man who told him to go to the brick building on the corner and count three brick layers up and three bricks to the right and there he would find the money. The bounty hunter asked "What did he say!?" The man said "Oh, senor. He said he don't care. Blow his head off." \nFrom: Genevieve Pratt on Sat Dec 2 18:32:44 PST 1995 :

This guy was sick of his wife and decides to get rid of her. He hears about a wino who lives under the bridge name Artie who would do anything for a dollar. So the man goes to Artie and gives him a dollar to kill his wife and Artie agrees. Next day, as the wife is grocery shopping, Artie goes in and starts to strangle her with a rope. Well, a stock boy comes along so Artie has to kill him so he won't tell anyone. Then a clerk comes by and Artie kills him to. Next day the headlines say "Artie chokes three for a dollar at Homeland"

Q. What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop? A. An Amish drive-by shooting" \nFrom: Kelly Britt on Sat Dec 2 18:59:25 PST 1995 :

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windsheild?... His ass! \nFrom: Matt Hutchings on Sat Dec 2 19:32:41 PST 1995 :

How did the blonde die drinking milk?......The cow fell on her!

How would a blonde kill a bird?......Throw it off a cliff!

How would a blonde kill a fish?......Drown it! \nFrom: DINESH RATHI on Sat Dec 2 20:47:22 PST 1995 :

I feel a feel, A funny feel. A funny feel I feel. And if you feel the feel I feel, I feel the feel you feel.

Most of my time is spent in thinking about not thinking.

Have you heard of the great business tycoon who wanted to wed a sleeping partner? \nFrom: Brian Hull on Sat Dec 2 22:43:48 PST 1995 :

Did you hear about the college student that said he would have studied art a lot sooner if he would have known there were so many pictures of Madonna!

The doctor said to the male patient, "your going to need heart surgery" the patient said " I'd like to get a second opinion doctor". The doctor said " your ugly too".

What's the difference between humor and odor? Humor is a shift of wit. \nFrom: michael s. kavanagh on Sun Dec 3 07:35:11 PST 1995 :

three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon and says to the bartender, "i'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw" \nFrom: gavin on Sun Dec 3 10:56:18 PST 1995 :

knock,knock.who's there?boo.boo,who?well you don't have to cry!

q:why did the chicken cross the park?A:to get to the other slide! \nFrom: David Charriere on Sun Dec 3 16:28:53 PST 1995 :

If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk? \nFrom: Diane Casey on Sun Dec 3 17:45:34 PST 1995 :

My brother is so dumb, he thought the international Dateline was a 1-900 number!

My apt.is so small, when I put the key in the door, I breaks a window!

My apt. is so small, you can't even change your mind in it! \nFrom: Dave Lane on Sun Dec 3 19:44:04 PST 1995 :

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

How can you tell a blind man at a nudist camp? It's not hard. \nFrom: marnie shegedyn on Sun Dec 3 19:51:04 PST 1995 :

why do frogs eat hogs? there hungry \nFrom: on Sun Dec 3 20:05:46 PST 1995 :

We all know Santa as a fat, jolly old man. Well, he may be fat and he may be old, but he ain't always jolly. There was this one year when Mrs. Claus decided she wanted to be a feminist, the reinderr went on strike, and the elves sued because they wanted to be called "vertically challenged toy manufacturers".
So Santa retreated to his office to rest, when an angel entered and said, "Santa..."
"What do you want?" was the reply.
"Well," the angel answered,"The Christmas Tree arrived today."
"So?" Santa said.
"Well, I was wondering where you wanted me to put it."
And that, my friends, is why Angels sit on top of trees. \nFrom: Dirk Haueter on Sun Dec 3 20:36:35 PST 1995 :

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid-delusional... \nFrom: Fred K. Rosen on Sun Dec 3 21:29:21 PST 1995 :

When O. J. made that phone call from his driveway, it was to Michael Jackson, asking him how he made his glove disappear.

There's so much tourist interest in the site where Lorrena tossed her husband's manhood out the window that the exit ramp has been renamed the John Bobbitt Cut-off.

If I would have become a psychiatrist, I could be taking advantage of the shrinking dollar. \nFrom: Douw Prinsloo on Mon Dec 4 03:36:01 PST 1995 :

The blond went to a shop to buy a TV. The salesman asked her whether she wants a colour TV or a black and white TV. She answered : " It really doesn't matter, it must just fit with my curtains... "

Have you heard about the blond who leaves the radio on in her car when going shopping ? That is so that the thieves must think there is someone in the car...

What do you call a upside-down blond ? A brunet with a bad breath... \nFrom: David M. Maylen III on Mon Dec 4 08:52:14 PST 1995 :

What gets wetter and wetter as it drys? - A towel

What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula? - autoexec.bat \nFrom: on Mon Dec 4 10:32:44 PST 1995 :

Q: why is a woman like a parking space A: because all the good ones are taken, the only free ones are handicapped, and once you get one you have to keep feeding money into it.

Q: Why did the woman cross the Road? A: Who cares why wasn't she in the kitchen.

One day an Indian chief drank 12 gallons of tea. The next day they found him drowned in his teapee \nFrom: Alex Farkas on Mon Dec 4 11:26:43 PST 1995 :

What is the difference between a Lawyer and a Rooster? Well a Rooster clucks defiance ...

If all bovine species were to become extinct, would that turn our atmosphere into a No Bull Gas?

Marcel Marceau recently wrote a book about his experiences whilst visiting the famous cloth worn by Christ which is stored in a Church in Italy. The book's called "The Charade of Turin". \nFrom: Alex Farkas on Mon Dec 4 11:59:22 PST 1995 :

A man walks into a Doctor's office. "Doctor, please help me. It hurts when I do this" he says pointing to his nose. "It hurts when I do this" he says pointing to his left elbow. "It hurts when I do that" he concludes, pointing to his coccyx. "Ach! I see the problem!" says the Doctor. "You have a broken finger!"

A U.S. and Russian General are discussing troops rations. The Russian says: "Every day, each soldier consumes 1500 Calories". "Oh yeah?" says the American, "Well our troops consume 3000 Calories a day". "This is not possible", replies the Russian, "How can one man eat entire sack of potatoes?"

What does an Englishwoman say to her husband when she wakes up after a night of lovemaking? "Get off!" \nFrom: David P. Duell on Mon Dec 4 13:44:15 PST 1995 :

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike? They both have ornamental balls.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. \nFrom: Robert Rabinowitz on Mon Dec 4 14:28:49 PST 1995 :

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one but it has to want to change first.

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. 1 to do it and 6 to share the experience.

Q: How many Zen Monks does it take to change a light bulb? A: 2. 1 to do it and 1 not to do it. \nFrom: Buddy on Mon Dec 4 16:03:30 PST 1995 :

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!" \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Mon Dec 4 18:22:50 PST 1995 :

What's the best way to eat a frog? Hook one leg over each ear.

How many seconds are there in a day? That depends. How good were you the first time?

I see your request for everybody to "keep it clean," but I always wash my hands before I sit at the keyboard anyway. \nFrom: Charlie on Mon Dec 4 21:36:51 PST 1995 :

Politicy Correct Statements...... You're not lost...your directionally challenged.....

a committy is an object that has six or more legs and no brain

stand on toilet....get high on pot!!!! \nFrom: Tim Fitzpatrick on Mon Dec 4 22:39:04 PST 1995 :

Bill & Hillary Clinton and Al Gore all die in a plane crash (no, that's not the joke). Upon reaching the gates of heaven, God meets them and asks Al Gore, "who are you?" "Well, I'm Al Gore, I was Vice President of the United States." "Very well," replies God. "You may sit in the chair to my right. .. And who are you?" he asks Bill Clinton. "I was Bill Clinton, I was President." "Very well," says God. "You may sit in the chair to my left." God then turns to Hillary and asks, "Who are you?" "I'm Hillary...and you're in MY chair!!" \nFrom: Lion Goodman on Mon Dec 4 23:28:55 PST 1995 :

Two idiots were searching the city for something to do, but they only had two dollars. They didn't have enough money for any kind of fun, until they were walking around a drug store, and one idiot said, "Hey, we can have a lot of fun with this!" The other idiot said "What kind of fun can you have with a box of tampax ?" The first said, "It says right here on the box -- You can swim, you can play tennis, you can ride a horse...."

Doctor: I'm afraid I have some very bad news. You have both cancer AND Alzheimer's disease. Patient: Well, it could be worse! Doc: How could it be worse? Patient: I could have cancer!

A man wanted to give his 70 year old father a special gift for his birthday, so he hired a hooker and had her wait upstairs. He told his dad to go up the stairs because his birthday gift was waiting for him in the bedroom. The old man slowly walked up the stairs and entered the bedroom, where he saw a voluptuous blond, naked on the bed. She looked at him, writhed, and said, "I'm going to give you SUPER SEX!" The old man was silent for a minute, then said, "What kind of soup?" \nFrom: Brian MacInnis on Tue Dec 5 07:15:21 PST 1995 :

My brother was a Captain in the Virginia National Guard and was in need of a 3-hole punch. When he received his order from the supply office he had to laugh. They were all out of 3-hole punches, so they sent him 3 one-hole punches! \nFrom: Felicia Chan on Tue Dec 5 09:21:51 PST 1995 :

There once was a beekeeper and he was trying to sell his bees. He went around to all the farms, but no one would buy his bees. Finally he got to this last farm and talked the farmer into tying him (bee seller) to a tree stark naked and letting the bees loose. So the farmer agreed. The next day, the farmer looked out the back window and saw the bee seller tied to the tree with an exhausted look on his face. The farmer asked what the matter was and the bee seller said- "I had no problem with the bees as usual, but I wish that someone would teach that calf who it's mother is"

A man walked into a bar- OUCH! \nFrom: Izabella Balakirsky on Tue Dec 5 10:23:08 PST 1995 :

In a department store: "Mom, can you buy me a thesaurus?" "Now, dear, don't you know that dinosaurs are extinct?" \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Tue Dec 5 11:12:06 PST 1995 :

Did you hear about the two corpuscles who fell in love in vein?

Yeah. He was type A, she was type B -- there wasn't a bloody thing they could do about it.

By the way, do you think vampires can get AIDS from just necking? \nFrom: Will Smith on Tue Dec 5 12:14:47 PST 1995 :

Whay are they called apartments if they're all stuck together?

If a rooster sitting on a roof lays an egg, which way will it fall? Neither! Rooster's don't lay eggs!

Which US automaker named the rivers in Norway? Fjord. \nFrom: Michael Rosenberg on Tue Dec 5 13:22:17 PST 1995 :

There were 3 presidents in the car. Bill Clinton, George Washington, and George Bush. George Washington said he wanted to make people happy, so he threw a 20 dollar bill out the window. Bill Clinton wanted to make more people happy, so he threw two 20 dollar bills out the window. George bush said he wanted to make even MORE people happy, so he threw Bill Clinton out the window.

One of my teachers used to dislike kids. He used to say If it wasn't for schoolchildren, I would have the rest of the day off.

What did the Hot dog say when he crossed the finish line? I'm the weener! \nFrom: Paul Howard on Tue Dec 5 15:20:54 PST 1995 :

If O.J. Simpson could get out of jail, I know where he could hide and the law would never find him. He could hide at the University of Alabama. The police would never think of looking for a Hiesman Trophy over there. \nFrom: on Tue Dec 5 16:53:05 PST 1995 :

How do yoy find a blind guy on a nude beach? Its not hard.

How are tornados, divorce court, and rednecks alike? In either one you are going to loose the trailor. \nFrom: Greg Brevig on Tue Dec 5 18:19:13 PST 1995 :

What do you call it when a frog goes to a bar, gets up on stage, and sings? Croak-ee \nFrom: Philip McCulloch on Tue Dec 5 18:34:20 PST 1995 :

for a humor magazine: ...and the answer to last weeks riddle--to get to the other side!!

Q. HOw do blonde braincells die? A. alone. \nFrom: on Wed Dec 6 03:18:15 PST 1995 :

I'm a fairy, my names nuff ... fairy nuff!?

OJ's EMail address - slash, slash, backslash, slash, escape! \nFrom: Scott Steeles on Wed Dec 6 07:56:42 PST 1995 :

Q) Why were the little strawberries upset? A) Because their parents were in a jam! \nFrom: Joseph R. Parish on Wed Dec 6 08:34:29 PST 1995 :

Our local minister come by our house for a visit and as we were having a discussion our parrot kept saying "Let's have sex, Let's make out".After a while the minister said "My parrot sits all day and says lets pray, Why not let me bring her over here and maybe she will teach your parrot new words." We quickly agreed and the minister brought his bird to our house as arranged. Upon entry our parrot quickly said "Let's make out and have sex".After he had finished the ministers parrot shouted, "My prays are answered". \nFrom: on Wed Dec 6 08:59:14 PST 1995 :

First Hillary, then Jennifer and now the rest of us! \nFrom: Goddess on Wed Dec 6 10:46:23 PST 1995 :

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies of course! \nFrom: Mark Brotherton on Wed Dec 6 10:48:45 PST 1995 :

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.* \nFrom: Adam Zeis on Wed Dec 6 16:33:44 PST 1995 :

did you hear about the new chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog!

he's not the sharpest tool in the shed \nFrom: Adam Wright on Wed Dec 6 20:12:27 PST 1995 :

A girl and a guy are in an elevator, and the girl tips off all her close and throws them on the ground and says, "Make me a women", the man takes off all his close and throws them on the ground and says pick them up. \nFrom: Sid Hatcher on Wed Dec 6 21:41:08 PST 1995 :

Farmer hears a knock at the door. Guy standing there says, "Hi my name's Joe. I'm here to get Flo. Is she ready to go? Farmer says, "I don't know" yells upstairs, "Hey Flo, it's Joe. He's here to take you to the show. Are you ready to go?" A few minutes go by and Flo comes down and Flo and Joe leave to go to the show. Farmer sits down. Knock at the door. Opens the doot. There's guy standing there. He says, "hi my names Eddy, I'm here to get Betty. We're gonna go eat some spaghetti. Is she ready \nFrom: LIsa Stringer on Thu Dec 7 13:51:12 PST 1995 :

There were three couples, one of Jewish faith, one of Catholic faith and one of Protestant faith. The entire group was returning, by plane,from an inter-faith conference when their plain crashed. Well, low and behoold, each couple found themselves at the Pearly gates facing St. Peter. St. Peter asked the Jewish man,"Sir is it true you loved money so much that yyou married a women named 'PennY'?'" And when the Jewish man answered yes, he and his wife named Penny where told to go on down to hell. They'd be better suited there. They next couple to come before St. Peter was the Catholic couple. St Peter said," Is it true, sir, that yyou love alcohol so much that you married a woman named Sherry? And when the Catholic man had answered yes, St. Peter told him to go on down to hell. He and his drink-loving wife would be better suited down there. Well about this time, the Protestant man cgrabbed his wife's and and said," Come on ,Fanny, it 's no need for us to even go up there. \nFrom: Steven Ludeke on Thu Dec 7 15:23:28 PST 1995 :

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. Aftermass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "NextSunday why don't you try putting a little vodka in your chalice

Having Alzheimers really isn't so bad, ya know. I can think of three advantages: First, you only have to own one book, second, you make new friends EVERY day, and third, you can hide your own easter eggs. \nFrom: Ken Wilson on Thu Dec 7 18:05:01 PST 1995 :

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers. \nFrom: PAUL SIMOES on Thu Dec 7 23:21:52 PST 1995 :

A JEW, A PAKKI, A BLACK MAN, AND A CANADIAN WERE WALKING THRUOGH THE DESERT. IN THEIR FINAL HOURS OF LIFE, THE JEW COMES ACROSS A MAGIC LANTERN. THE JEW RUBS THE LANTERN AND A GENIE APPEARS. GENIE SAYS: "I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH". THE JEW SAYS: PLEASE RETURN ME TO MY HOME LAND.!" THEN THE JEW DISAPPEARS. THEN THE PAKKI RUBS THE LANTERN AND IS ALSO GRANTED ONE WISH. HE SAYS: SEND ME TO MY HOME LAND!" THEN THE PAKKI DISAPPEARS. NEXT THE BLACK MAN RUBS THE LANTERN AND ONCE AGAIN THE GENIE SAYS: I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH. THE BLACK MAN SAYS: "I WISH TO GO BACK TO MY HOME COUNTRY." FINALLY THE CANADIAN, STANDING ALL ALONE RUBS THE LANTERN AND THE GENIE SAYS: I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH. THE CANADIAN REPLIES: WELL, THE JEW IS GONE, THE PAKKI IS GONE, AND THE BLACK GUY TOO...........UH,...JUST GIVE ME A DIET COKE. \nFrom: on Fri Dec 8 10:09:44 PST 1995 :

One day a drunk man tells the bartender, I bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye. Bartender grinned and said ok you drunk. The drunk pulled out his right fake eye out and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, bet you $200 I can bite my left eye. Bartender knew it cant be fake so he said ok. The drunk pulls out his dentures and bites his left eye.Bartender gets really mad. Afew more drinks the drunk sais, bet you $400 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar. The bartender knew he couldnt do it so he said ok. He slid the shot glass as fast as he could. the drunk jumped on the stools and peed all over the bar and the water. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy and happiness because he won $500. In the back he heard a man yelling. He asked whats wrong? the man said, that drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on you and your bar and you would be happy about it! \nFrom: MacGregor Lendell on Sat Dec 9 08:56:54 PST 1995 :

What animal should you never play cards with? A cheetah!

One day a guy walked into a bar.....and it hurt! \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Sat Dec 9 11:06:35 PST 1995 :

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? The genealogist looks up the family tree... And the gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Then there was the guy who didn't know whether to see a sex therapist or a proctologist. That's right. The poor guy didn't know if he was coming or going.

Oh, by the way, there's a new pill that's guaranteed to cure impotence, but it has a weird side effect. You have to swallow it real fast or you get a stiff neck. \nFrom: Justin Porteous (or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ) on Sat Dec 9 12:59:18 PST 1995 :

God made WHISKY to prevent the irish from taking over. \nFrom: Donald E. Mansell on Mon Dec 11 01:41:15 PST 1995 :

A physician was finishing up orders on a chart as he was letting a patient go home. He casually handed the chart to the ward nurse saying, "I have a discharge." Not missing a beat the nurse replied solicitously, "Too bad, are you going to start taking some antibiotics?" \nFrom: BABY HUEY on Mon Dec 11 01:58:53 PST 1995 :

HOW MANY WEIGHTLIFTERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB? THREE, ONE TO ACTUALLY SCREW IN THE LIGHT BULB, AND THE OTHER TWO TO STAND AROUND THE LADDER YELLING, "YOU LOOK HUGE MAN, YOU LOOK HUGE!!"

THERE IS A MOUNTAIN WITH A BROTHEL ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN. THERE IS ONE MAN GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN, ANOTHER HALF WAY DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, AND THE THIRD INSIDE THE BROTHEL. WHAT ARE THEIR NATIONALITIES? THE GUY GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN IS RUSSIAN, THE GUY COMING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN IS FINNISH, AND THE GUY INSIDE THE BROTHEL IS HIMALAYAN!

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH NATIONAL LIBRARY? SOMEONE STOLE THE BOOK! \nFrom: on Mon Dec 11 06:55:55 PST 1995 :

What do you call a man between 2 houses? Ali. What about a sheep between 2 houses? Ali Baba \nFrom: Arni Kristjansson on Mon Dec 11 11:13:27 PST 1995 :

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

If 7 - 11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year why are there locks on the doors? \nFrom: anonymous on Mon Dec 11 14:04:02 PST 1995 :

Q. Do you know why they acquitted O.J. when they did? A. Thanksgiving was just around the corner and he was the only one in the family who knew how to cut up the white meat. \nFrom: Amy Wagstaff on Mon Dec 11 17:21:19 PST 1995 :

This is more or less a riddle but, You throw away the outside and cook the inside ,You eat the outside and throw away the inside what is it? Answer corn on the cob \nFrom: Lyn Misserville on Mon Dec 11 18:11:28 PST 1995 :

What do you get when you cross a yeast infection and an achy breaky heart? An itchy twichy crotch. \nFrom: PJV on Mon Dec 11 18:31:46 PST 1995 :

Okay. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. He's not going to come anyway. \nFrom: Noah Moore on Mon Dec 11 20:41:48 PST 1995 :

Why are there locks on bathroom doors in the Soviet union? So people don't Russian when European.

What did the math mermaid wear? An algebra.

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino (hell if I know). \nFrom: Tom Price on Tue Dec 12 10:21:48 PST 1995 :

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on a pile of leaves: Ans. Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall: Ans. Art \nFrom: Arni Kristjansson on Tue Dec 12 12:14:49 PST 1995 :

A blonde walked into a hair salon and sat into the barber´s chair. The barber noticed that she had headphones on her head. The barber asked the blonde what kind of haircut she wanted. She didn´t reply, so the barber asked again. Again no reply. Then he was getting very annoyed so he took off her headphones. Suddenly she turned blue and fell on the floor. He checked her pulse and she was dead. He was wondering what was in her headphones so he put them on. He heard: " Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale... \nFrom: Arthur Hellman on Tue Dec 12 18:29:05 PST 1995 :

What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A happy pit bull.

What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis? a dictator

What's brown & black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman \nFrom: Angelika Q. on Wed Dec 13 16:39:47 PST 1995 :

Two hungry cannibals raid a carnival in the jungle and make off with a clown. After they've roasted him to perfection they sit down around the fire and begin to eat. Suddenly, one stops in mid-chew, a concerned look on his face, and says to the other: "Does this taste *funny* to you?" \nFrom: Donald Mansell on Thu Dec 14 00:39:25 PST 1995 :

A new car salesman accompanies a client on a test drive of the latest model in his showroom. "Note the advanced technology that allows you to select a radio station of your choice without your hands leaving the steering wheel "intoned the salesman, "Try it out. Say Rock." The prospective buyer obliged and said "Rock." Sure enouogh the radio automatically recognized the word and selected a Rock and Roll station. "This is wonderful!" exclaimed the test driver, "Let's see if this voice recognition really works!" "Be assured that the technologic advances in this radio not only recognise you voice but have the "ability" to respond to your command." replied the dealer. With that the buyer tried "News" and the news station came on. He tried "Classic" and the local classical music station came on and so on. He seemed mesmerized with his ability to verbalize a command and instantly hear the radio comply by changing to the station of his choice. All of a sudden without warning another driver cut in front of the demo car almost resulting in a collision. "IDIOT!" cried out the prospective buyer. Instantly the radio station changed to Rush Limbaugh. \nFrom: Tony PIerre on Thu Dec 14 09:19:49 PST 1995 :

what happened when the skunk went to church? He had his own pew \nFrom: on Thu Dec 14 09:58:40 PST 1995 :

Tim's resourcfulness has never ceased to amaze me. Due to a bad divorce he suddenly found himself homeless and nearly broke. But by the end of the day he had enough money earned to rent a very nice apartment. what he did was take the last $50.00 dollars he had to his name and went bought some supplies from the grocery store. He got a bunch of potato chips, a large bowel and an assortment of toothbrushes. Then he set up a table outside of the store. As people would come and go he would ask them to try his new chip dip he had placed in the bowel. When they would try his new chip dip, they would spit it out and say "hey, this tastes like dog dung" He would smile and quickly reply, "it is dog dung, wanna buy a toothbrush?" \nFrom: Ron Milos on Thu Dec 14 10:46:54 PST 1995 :

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer to "and give us our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approaches the Pope again with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcines. A month later later the man offers 100 million, the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, he announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is that we have 100 million for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account! \nFrom: Randy Kluber on Thu Dec 14 13:10:34 PST 1995 :

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU FIND AN EPILEPTIC IN YOUR SWIMMING POOL ? ANSWER - THROW IN A LOAD OF WASH !!!

WHAT DO YOU CALL A VEGATERIAN WITH DIAREEHA ? ANSWER - A SALAD SHOOTER !!

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT LITTLE JOHNNY UP IN HIS BATHROOM ONE NIGHT WHEN HIS MOTHER WALKED IN, AS SHE LOOKED DOWN AT JOHNNY STANDING IN FRONT OF THE SINK WITH TOOTH PASTE ALL OVER HIS PENIS, SHE ASKED HIM " JOHNNY, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING ?" HE REPLIED " MOM, I DON'T WANT TO GET A CAVITY LIKE SUZY GOT !!" \nFrom: Ann Onymous on Thu Dec 14 13:10:44 PST 1995 :

A friend of mine walked into a bar at a big airport.. What? He just sat down and had a couple of drinks. Then he got on a plane and flew straight into JFK -- Big Ouch! \nFrom: Mads on Thu Dec 14 14:46:32 PST 1995 :

Why does Scots wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear the zipper miles away \nFrom: on Thu Dec 14 15:19:28 PST 1995 :

"Mommy, why do I walk in circles?" "Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor." \nFrom: John Paul Jones on Thu Dec 14 15:19:46 PST 1995 :

A Millionaire is dying, he calls his 3 closest friends to his bedside. "I know they say you can't take it with you when you go, but I want to try." He said, "I'm going to give you $1 Million apiece, if you will place it in my coffin at my funeral." They agreed, and at his funeral, they all placed envelopes in the casket. 2 Months pass, and they meet for lunch. One friend says "I have a confession, I only put $200,000 in the envelope". Another friend says "Yeah, I only put in $300,000." The third says "I'm SO disappointed! He was our friend! How could you do this? ... My envelope contained a certified check for $1,000,000". (hah)

In days of old, when knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented, they left their load in the middle of the road, and walked away contented. \nFrom: L. Phillips on Thu Dec 14 17:06:08 PST 1995 :

An 85 year old man got married to a 35 year old woman. The old man was playing checkers down at the senior citizens center. His opponent congratulated him on his recent marriage. After several checker moves....he said...I'll bet she is nice looking. No said the old man...she is rather ordinary in appearance. Several minutes later the other man said....Well, I'll bet she is a good cook, We no, replied the newlywed. In fact we eat all of our meals at various restuarants. Several more minutes passed as the checker game continued. Well.....I'll bet she has lots of money! No, in fact she was completely broke when we met. Exasperated, the other man asked.....Well why in the world did you marry for? The old man said...I needed someone who could drive at night. \nFrom: Donovan Hayden on Thu Dec 14 17:25:29 PST 1995 :

Q: Why was John Elway being questioned in the O.J Simpson trial? A: Because they wer talking about a Slow, White, Bronco.

Did you hear that you can talk to O.J Simpson Live on the internet? It's true, you just have to type in " \ \ Escape " (backslash,backslash,escape) \nFrom: PJV on Thu Dec 14 21:59:29 PST 1995 :

A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of potty training. He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta pee," when he had to go to the bathroom. His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that you've got to pee. Whisper!" That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other. Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?" The child looks at his dad and says, "I've gotta whisper!" To which the pastor says, "It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear." \nFrom: santa claus on Fri Dec 15 05:45:12 PST 1995 :

You are cool \nFrom: Vincent Harms on Fri Dec 15 07:08:02 PST 1995 :

What's Green and flies over Germany? >> Snotzis \nFrom: Robert Miles on Fri Dec 15 08:53:17 PST 1995 :

WHAT DO YOU CALL 5000 LAYWERS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN? A GOOD START.

WHAT DOES A SORORITY GIRL PUT BEHIND HER EARS TO MAKE HER MORE ATTRACTIVE? HER ANKLES.

IF A MALE SHEEP IS A RAM AND A DONKEY IS A ASS, WHY IS A RAM IN THE ASS A GOOSE. \nFrom: Sue Ferguson on Fri Dec 15 16:49:56 PST 1995 :

Bill Gates & wife are expecting their first baby in May. Bet the little tyke will be a 'chip' off the ole block!

Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels! \nFrom: Rick Grinter on Fri Dec 15 17:03:11 PST 1995 :

You know you're a redneck if your idea of safe sex involves painting a red X on all the cows that kick. \nFrom: Stacci A. Cook on Fri Dec 15 21:22:46 PST 1995 :

Know what's funny? Bill Clinton. Know what's even funnier? Congress. \nFrom: Lisa Harrison on Fri Dec 15 23:07:23 PST 1995 :

Did you hear the one about the indian who stopped at a convenience store to buy some toilet paper? He did not have enough money to by the Charmin so he bought this no-name paper. The next week he came back and told the store clerk that he had a name for this no-name toilet paper. The indian said "I call it John Wayne toilet paper, because it ruff, it tough, but it don't take no crap off no injun".

There was this great indian chief name Chief Bowels. One day the railroad laid their tracks right through Chief Bowels teepee. So the chief heads for town to talk with the railroad boss and let him know that Chief Bowels is not going to move. Once in town, the chief can only find the railroad Doctor so the chief goes to the doctor and standing tall and firm with his arms folded announces to the railroad doctor "Chief Bowels no move"! The doctor handed the chief some pills and sent him on his way. The chief went back to his teepee and the railroad was still there. The next day the chief went back into town and said to the doctor "Chief Bowels, still no move! The doctor handed chief bowels a bottle and sent him on his way. A few days later the doctor saw the chief walking back into town. When the chief approached the doctor, the doctor said "What, Chief Bowels still no move". Chief Bowels said "Chief Bowels gotta move, to much dung in teepee"! \nFrom: Gene Robinson on Sat Dec 16 13:04:01 PST 1995 :

They found a new use for sheep in Montana...WOOL!

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids won't eat broccoli!

What is the saddest song on a Montana jukebox? "There'll Never Be Another Uwe" \nFrom: Mike Haddad on Sat Dec 16 16:40:28 PST 1995 :

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

What invisible and smells like worm? A bird fart \nFrom: Dave Vollmer on Sat Dec 16 18:23:02 PST 1995 :

There once was a man from Racine, who invented a loving machine. Both concave and convex, it could serve either sex, and it serviced itself inbetween!

How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin ya slice 'em. \nFrom: Wayne Lawton on Sat Dec 16 19:32:37 PST 1995 :

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny!

What did the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? Laid awake nights, wondering if there was a Dog! \nFrom: Wayne Lawton on Sat Dec 16 19:41:38 PST 1995 :

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Rustle!

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway!

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging over a window? Kur